It’s honestly hard for me to believe that it’s been over a month since I’ve posted on here because I’ve had far too many thoughts swimming around in this head of mine. I’ve sat down to write several times and couldn’t quite figure out how to get out the thoughts that I wanted to in the way that I wanted to. That being said…prepare yourselves for an earful…
Life is such a funny thing; although sometimes it really isn’t all that funny at all. It constantly amazes me that one day life can be one way and in a matter of days or even seconds it is completely different. And it doesn’t even have to be something big that happens; it can be the smallest most insignificant thing like running into someone or simply getting a text from someone you thought had forgotten about you. Life has seemed to do a lot of flips and turns for me the last few years, even in the last few months, and I never really did feel like I could ever get my footing before life was shifting again. I guess that is the only thing about life that will never truly change though; the fact that it is ever changing.
It is only as of recently that I have finally started to feel like I’m standing on solid ground again…and then here comes life again making me feel like I wasn’t. But if I’m being honest, I don’t think I have ever surprised myself as much as I have in the last month. A few weeks ago I ran into a part of my past that I swore to myself would never again be a part of my life; and after a few certain events I questioned whether or not I should give that part of my life another chance. To open that door again and let it in. My mom about killed me when she found out, and my best friend told me while she would support any choice I made I would be completely insane to ever walk that path again. Yet despite their warnings and their concerns, I still sat there tearing myself apart on whether or not I should choose let them in again. In that moment I had to sit myself down and remind myself that I was not that person anymore, that I was not the person weak enough to go back to the part of my past that broke me more than anything has ever broken me before. Despite the fact that people change; I was too strong to give myself the chance of being destroyed again by the one person who promised they would never hurt me the first time. It was also in that moment that I realized that for the first time in a really long time, I finally saw growth in myself and my abilities both mentally and emotionally. The girl I was years ago would have ran back into the arms of destruction in a heartbeat, but this time around I was strong enough to realize that I was worth more than that. I was strong enough to remind not only myself, but that person, that they had a chance to realize what I was worth to them and they consistently failed. I saw that I deserved more than this person could ever have to offer me, and that my life would continue on just fine if I finally chose to let them go completely. That being said…I finally forgave them for all the pain and hurt they had caused me, and I finally let go of all the anger I had held inside for all these years. But I didn’t do it for them or because they even deserved the forgiveness I was giving them…I did it because the weight of the anger was far too much to bare anymore and I was okay with letting it go. I was reminded that while I have paid the consequences of their actions for all this time, it was now their turn to pay the ultimate price of regret for losing the person that they now so desperately wanted to be with.
To many of you all of this may seem insignificant, but coming from a person that has been living so much in the past and completely failing to see what she was worth; it was one of the most liberating things to look my past in the face and although with hesitation, tell it to fuck off.
That in itself was enough life shifting for me for awhile, but life wasn’t done with me just yet…but this time it sent a reminder that while sometimes the past should very much stay in the past…sometimes parts of it are meant to cross paths with the present and possibly even the future and that sometimes you get rewarded when you are capable of letting certain things go.
All of that being said, I never thought I would see the day that I ever reached this point. Three years ago when I was sitting at that terribly dark and hopeless spot at the bottom I felt helpless and broken. And for quite sometime I have had this feeling like I would never be fixable, and that I would never fully be the person that I was before. But after seeing this immense self growth in myself, I have realized that I wasn’t unfixable and while I wasn’t ever going to be the person I was before…it was okay because I have ended up something better, something stronger, something wiser. People used to tell me constantly that time healed all wounds, and I never believed them. I was so hurt, so broken…so sad. I felt like I was never going to come to terms with the things that I have been dealt in life and that I would always just be…sad. But I don’t feel sad anymore, not the way that I used to. I used to search for validation of my self worth through the eyes of another person. I was never confident in who I was or what I stood for. I never felt strong enough to defend who I was or who I ultimately wanted to be. But all these trials and tribulations, all this hurt and heartbreak…it’s brought me to this point of contentment and acceptance of myself by myself rather than another person. I have embraced my headstrong, heart stronger personality. I have come to terms that there is nothing wrong with knowing what I want out of life, and working hard to get it. The emptiness that I used to feel was a product of putting all of my effort into the wrong people and the wrong things rather than things and people that would benefit me. I have also learned along the way that it’s okay to be sad and it’s okay to hurt, but it isn’t okay to crawl inside and make your sadness your home. Coming to terms with heartbreak is a necessary part of the process to healing completely. In fact, there are a lot of things necessary to this process, and in order to make it happen you have to give yourself an ample amount of time to do it. Through this process I have watched even the smallest parts of my life fall into place, pieces I never thought I would find, and I have become a firm believer that everything does in fact happen for a reason. And sometimes that reason doesn’t come a long much later in life when you are finally capable of accepting it.
I’m sure that in a matter of days, or weeks, or maybe even months my life will find another way to shift and change, and when I find myself starting to feel once again like I am losing my footing…I will come back to this moment and remind myself that I have come farther than ever imagined.
I am stronger.
I am wiser.
I am brighter.
And like a phoenix I will always rise from the ashes.