Endless Confusion.

It’s been awhile…ya’ll probably thought I disappeared on you eh? I will never understand why I get the urge to write when it’s the wee hours of the morning and I can’t sleep, which seems to happen quite often lately.

I try really hard to keep the things I write inspirational and uplifting, but if that’s the only side of me I ever let you see then that would defeat the purpose of my blogging journey. Even the most inspirational and brightest of people have dark and trying moments. They have hurts and they have sadness, they have things that haunt them and things that make life hard.

Confusion.

That word seems to define my life. There’s so much that I don’t understand and I drive myself crazy sometimes seeking answers I’ll probably never find. I guess it’s not a bad thing, to ask questions and look for the answers. But it can be when some questions don’t have immediate answers, or any answers at all.

People don’t make sense to me. This chaotic, crazy world does not make sense to me.

I think one of the greatest questions I will ever have is one a lot of people ask…

…why do bad things happen to good people?

There are so many deserving people and they always seem to be getting shit on by the world that surrounds them.

Like people who get cancer or people who die too young.

And then there’s the small things that add up to what can feel like the biggest weight on your shoulders and any minute now you’re just gonna crash and not be able to get up again.

It sucks.

Some stupid boy comes along and breaks your heart into a million and one tiny pieces. Your best friend betrays you in a way you’ll never recover from. You try so hard to finish school, with good grades at that, all while keeping two jobs you don’t even like to pay for the debt schools putting you into. Your “friends” don’t seem so much like your friends anymore. Memories of the past are holding you back while you try your hardest to set yourself free.

Stuck. You feel stuck in this rut and you’re fighting to get out, but the more you fight the deeper you feel like you’re falling.

And here’s my other question…Why do people hurt people…and why do we do it on purpose?

This world is terrible all on it’s own, so why on earth do the people we love and the people who claim to love us hurt us on purpose? And why do we find it so easy to hurt the people that mean the most to us?

Maybe it’s because we think they’ll always be there. Or because they’ll forgive us. Or because tomorrow they’ll still be there for us to say we’re sorry and tell them how much we love them.

Our time here is short. So why do we so often spend it thinking we have more time than we probably actually do?

Why do we wait until tomorrow to apologize for the mistakes we make? Why do we wait until next week or next month to tell the person that we love that we love them? Why are we so afraid to let someone in because of what someone else did?

People are time wasters. They are believers in things they don’t have. People are taker advantagers, and while yes I know that’s not a real word, it’s what people are. They take advantage of the time they are given, of the things they are given, of the people they are blessed with.

And while I too am often guilty…I do not understand it.

This world is a mess and it does not make any sense to me…

…sometimes I do not even make sense to myself.

Sincerely Yours…

To My Best Friend

About a month ago I wrote my first letter in what was meant to be a string of letters over the next year, a here is going to be my second one. 

Our friends are often a very important part of our lives. They’re a second family, a support system, the people who make you laugh and laugh with you, and the people who tell you it’s gonna be okay when you cry. And sometimes, if you’re lucky, you come across a friend who is more like a soul mate. They know your story, they know the good parts and the bad parts that make up the person you are, and they stand by you anyways. You argue with them, you love with them, but no matter what happens you stand by them and they stand by you. I’ve been lucky enough to find that..

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To My Best Friend,

Where do I even start? I’ve tried to remember exactly how we met so long ago, but it’s just kinda like one day we were friends and the rest is history. When I look back on all we’ve been through I sometimes ask myself how we ever made it, how we ever stayed friends..and sometimes how we’ve even managed to stay alive. We’ve screamed at each other, we’ve laughed…a lot, we’ve cried…a lot, we’ve gotten drunk…a lot, we’ve talked every single day and we’ve not talked for months. We’ve been through everything together from a jail visit and a busted window to getting kicked out of a party we were invited to top shelf tequila, but here we still stand as the two most dysfunctional best friends anyone could ever come across…but it works for us. To say that I’m lucky is an understatement. For almost half of my life I’ve had someone that I could come to with my problems, share my fears with, share my dreams with, grow with. I’ve found someone who not only supports my dreams, but encourages them. I’ve found someone that has stood by me at my lowest moments and celebrated me at my finest. When I tell you I’m not sure where I would be without you to this day, it’s probably one of the truest statements that will ever come out of my mouth. There are many times throughout the years that I have taken our friendship for granted, and for that I’m sorry. There have been times where I have doubted you as my friend, and again for that I’m sorry. I’ve made some mistakes over the years, as have you, but forgiveness has always played a large part in our friendship. As has honesty. It’s not every day that you find someone you can literally tell everything to. Like when they’re being a bitch or seriously pissing you off. I think that’s what’s kept us together, the simple fact that we can lay it all out, but also that despite the fact that we don’t always agree with one another we never fail to stand by each other through it all. I think my favorite part about our friendship though is the laughter we share. We laugh all the time, and I love it. Some of my favorite moments are the ones where we go complete crackhead mode and anything and everything makes us laugh until we can hardly breathe. Those are some of my greatest memories and often times the moments that keep me going when things get rough. There are so many things I want to say right now, but I honestly don’t even know where to start. I keep thinking about the night we went to see Eric in concert at Jefferson Barrack’s and then had a party at your house. The end of that night is what stands out in my head, specifically the part where we ended up in tears on your bathroom floor. We were drunk, but I just remember thinking only does a best friend sit on her bathroom floor with you while you both cry about the boys who broke our hearts and then get up and go to Denny’s…where you couldn’t even cut your own sandwich. I think that was the night I really knew that we’d always be friends. We have so many memories together. Spontaneous visits to Farmington to meet Brandon Ray. Jam sessions on the backroads. Camping trips. Ben chauffeuring us around while we slammed down shots. Tequila night. Bonfires. Parties. Calling everyone we know in our phones when we’re drunk. Countless nights spent at the park learning way more about our friends than we ever wanted to. And I can’t forgot all our creep sessions…because creeping is caring. Conversations that probably would have landed us in a padded room in a mental hospital. Matching tattoos. But I know that’s just the tip of the iceberg, and we have so many more memories I look forward to making. I look forward to college graduations and downing shots to celebrate a new job. I look forward to wedding days, and the best drunken speeches we’ll ever give…tequila shots included…or Rumplemintz and roofies if I’m lucky ;) I look forward to the day that we bring our own crazy children into this world…although I hope they’re nothing like us because if so we’re in trouble. I look forward to the laughs we have yet to share, and I look forward to continuing to share my life with my best friend. There’s going to come a day where we don’t live 30 seconds from each other anymore, and thinking of that day makes me sad, but I know that whether it’s 30 seconds or 3,000 miles that separates us nothing can ever take away what we share. As we continue to grow as people and continue on our paths in life there are several things I want you to remember. I will always support and encourage you to chase your dreams. I don’t care what time of day it is or how far or close we are, I will always be there…even if it means a long drive or a spontaneous plane ride to get to you. I will laugh with you when you are happy and I will hug you while you cry under a tree. I’ll fight with you like an enemy and I’ll love you like a sister. We’re more than just best friends…we’re family. And someday when we’re older, sitting on one of our porches while our kids run around together in the yard, we’re going to look back and remember all the crazy stuff we went through together and we’re gonna laugh about it and we’re probably gonna ask each other how we ever made it through. And my answer is going to be because we had each other, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I look forward to what our futures hold, and I look forward to continuing to share our triumphs and our darkest days. Our friendship means more to me than I will ever be able to express, and I am appreciative every day that I was one of the lucky ones to find a soul mate in a friend. We’re gonna make it, and we’ll do it together. And anyone who stands in front of us…well they are BENEATH US. There’s so much more that I could say, but I will just end this with a thank you and an I love you…and I can’t wait to see what the future holds for us.  

Sincerely Yours…

What’s The Point?

I feel like I haven’t really been writing much, and I’ve started to question why I even started this blog if I’m not going to be able to produce enough content on a regular basis. But I want to write things that mean something, whether it means something to me or someone else, I just want there to be a point. 

Often times I catch myself thinking…

“What’s the point?”

What’s the point of going to school?

Of working your life away?

Of this relationship?

Some might take that as a pessimistic way of thinking, but that’s not what I mean by it. I don’t ask that question because I feel as if there is no point to life or living it. I ask because as humans we do things all the time to conform to the world, to our group of friends, to our family…but why? Last semester at school I took a philosophy class, and I absolutely hated the class, but looking back I think I like it more than I thought I did. We focused a lot on what constitutes as a life well-lived. Is a good life defined by love? By wealth? By friendship? By what morals or values you hold? There never was an actual answer. Some people define a good life by finding love while others define it by their wealth and status in the world. The science of philosophy was weird to me. It questions the fundamentals of nature and reality and our existence in general. Philosophists are always seeking answers to questions that don’t ever seem to actually have any definitive answers. The definition of philosophy itself isn’t even really definitive, and each philosophist seemed to have a different theory or idea on what defined what philosophy was. When I first started the class my initial thought was…what’s the point? What’s the point of studying something that doesn’t even have a real answer? How am I supposed to learn from that? I think that was the point though, to teach us that asking questions is how we learn and that in order to gain knowledge we should never stop asking why or what or even how, even if there isn’t a clear-cut answer. 

You as a reader are probably asking yourself right now what my point is going to be with this post about points…but ironically enough, I’m not sure I even have one. 

But I guess if I did, it would be to stress the idea of asking questions in order to learn, and that we as humans should always seek out new knowledge…specifically about ourselves. You get to know yourself by asking questions on why you do something or why you feel a certain way about something, and when you start to understand yourself the more confident you become in who you are and what you stand for which in turn allows you to start to learn to love yourself. 

And there is a point…in learning to love yourself. And maybe that’s what the point of life is, a journey of learning to love yourself and who you are. Or maybe I’m wrong. Who knows.

Sincerely Yours…

They Say I’m A Dreamer

School is upon us…or for those less fortunate it’s already started.

For a lot people college is cut and dry.

You graduate high school, you pick a major, you take a bunch of classes, and then they hand you a degree and send you off into the real world to find a job and start the next chapter of your life as a “real” adult.

Buttttt….that’s not how it is for everyone, and it’s certainly not been the road I’ve taken.

Some people don’t even go to college, and others take time off to travel the world or go off on some wild adventure in hopes to truly find themselves.

That’s not exactly the road I’ve taken either…I guess you could say I’ve gone down both. I picked a major….I took a bunch of classes…and then I hit a few road bumps and decided college wasn’t really my thing…

…so I took a year off.

I didn’t take any wild adventures or travel the world, and I didn’t really start to find myself. In fact, that seems to be when I really started to lose myself.

I was originally a nursing major…how cliche right? I struggled through even making it into a nursing program, and then I started working at a hospital as a sitter and moved on to work as a care tech on a trauma/general surgery floor and that was when I decided that nursing wasn’t really what I wanted to do with my life…my heart just wasn’t in it the way I knew it should be at this point in my life. I knew I wanted to help people; I’d always known that, and I guess I always thought nursing was the only way a girl could really do that. I’ve been on trauma for a little over a year now, and I realized what I liked most about my job was the people I encountered. I see all kinds of people on a daily basis, and they all come from different places and different backgrounds and they all have a different story to tell. And then I started to realize that I didn’t have to heal people physically in order to help them or make a difference in the world, I could help heal them mentally and emotionally…so I switched my major.

Most would think psychology, or maybe even social work, but I chose criminal justice.

So I’m gonna be a cop right? No.

Most people think criminal justice and they automatically think police officer, but one thing I’ve learned is that a criminal justice degree is one of the most versatile degrees out there and it can be paired up with nearly anything and everything to create some sort of career.

I could team it up with nursing and end up in forensic nursing, which is a possible career path to combine both of my passions. Right now the plan is to team it up with grad school for psychology to hopefully become a forensic psychologist. It seems like with each class I take I find something new that I want to do or could do, so the possibilities seem endless…and right now that’s what I need…endless possibilities.

I guess my point with this post is to remind people that not everything goes according to plan, and for a long time that was something I struggled with. I wanted to be like all the other people who graduated, picked a major, took all the classes and got a degree…all in four years. But, had I done that, I would have ended up with a career I probably didn’t enjoy as much as I thought I was going to. I’m 22, and unlike most kids my age who graduated this past May and have gotten “big kid” jobs, I’m still in school…and for once I’m okay with that. Taking a year off was the best thing I could have done for myself, and choosing the wrong major and working at a hospital were all things that led me exactly where I needed to be.

So for those of you who are out there struggling or maybe feel “behind” because you’ve changed your major 5 times already and still aren’t sure what you want to do with life…it’s okay…and you’re not the only one. And chances are, when you’re 35 and looking back, you’re still not going to know whlargeat you want to do with your life. The only important thing is that you find something you’re passionate about, find something that when you wake up every day it doesn’t feel like work, do something that makes you happy, even if that means you are an artist or a writer or a musician and barely making any money.

Life’s too short, so pick your dream…and chase it.

Sincerely Yours…

Fight For Your Fire

Hey Ya’ll. I know it’s been about a week since I’ve posted, and there may be periods of time like that in the future as well. The purpose of my blog is not to post every single day, although I would like to. My purpose is to write when I have something to say, when I have a feeling I’d like to express, or an important message I would like to share. That being said…happy reading…:)

Change. Where do I start with the topic of change..

I hate it.

It’s a necessary evil, and as much as I hate it, right now I am craving it.

If there is one thing in life that I’ve learned it’s this:

Life changes [quickly]. People change [often]. And the only thing guaranteed to never change…is that everything changes.

Throughout life you’ll change your hair, your style, your friends, schools, locations..but I’m not talking about those changes. I’m talking about big life changes that cause chaos and force you to take a step back and really evaluate your life. Changes that strike you to your core and make you change…for the better.

These changes are often triggered by a tragedy or a wake up call and sometimes by a person that holds you accountable and forces you to look inside yourself.

Over the last few years I have lost my way. One day I woke up and everything was different and nothing was the same, and I just didn’t know who I was anymore or who I wanted to be. I lost my fire, I lost my passion, I lost my drive for all of the things that once mattered so much to me. I lost my heart, and with that…I lost myself. It’s hard to sit down and look at the person you’ve become sometimes, because looking in the mirror you don’t always see the person you want to. I became a lot of what I never wanted to, but all of my mistakes have brought me right here to this moment of clarity. Life is funny, and it never makes sense, but sometimes the only way to truly find yourself…is to lose yourself.

It’s that glorious moment when you start to discover yourself all over again that your fire inside is often re-sparked. Your dreams might be the same, or maybe they’ve changed along with you, but you rediscover your passion and your determination to make them happen.

Now don’t get me wrong, while these moments are a lifesaver, you have to understand that your journey doesn’t get easier just because you’ve suddenly found yourself again. It becomes a daily battle to fight your old ways. Finding yourself doesn’t mean that the broken heart you’ve had is all of a sudden fixed. It doesn’t mean that everything is all of a sudden going to fall into place. It’s a step-by-step, day-by-day process and it’s not an easy one; but let me tell you…you can do it. A battle of head versus heart ensues when your fire changes, and you’re caught in the middle and often question what the next step is. Here’s the thing…there is no “next step.”…you dive in head first. A battle isn’t supposed to be easy. You cut out the people you need to cut out. You let go of the toxic things in your life. You fight for yourself and you fight for your dreams and you stop making excuses…

…and you just do it.

Sincerely Yours..

 

 

21 Things I Learned While I Was 21

My birthday is in 3 days, but we’re going out to celebrate tonight and I know in my first post I wrote a letter to myself for the next year but while I’m sitting here texting everyone coming out tonight I’ve been reflecting quite a bit over the last year.

My 21st year of life has been quite the roller coaster, I’ve lost and I’ve gained and above all I’ve learned….

  1. That my best friend is truly that…my best friend. We fight like enemies but love like sisters, and despite all the bullshit we’ve always got each others backs. We fall apart when we need to and we come together when we need each other, and while we don’t always agree with the other person that’s okay because we support whatever makes them happy. So through the bad times and the good, the smiles and the laughs…I thank you for what you add to my life.
  2. That music will literally get me through anything and everything. It will forever be my saving grace in the worst moments and the greatest ones. From concerts to jam sessions there is no greater thing for healing the soul than the soundtrack to your life.
  3. That alcohol and I have a love hate relationship. My drunken nights are usually a shit show that end in tears and snotty noses and arguments and stupid choices, or they can also be some of the best nights with the best memories I’ll barely remember with the people I’ll never forget. And it’s probably a good idea for someone to take my phone from me…Shots anyone?
  4. That I am capable of some really stupid shit…but my momma will always be there to help me pick up the pieces.
  5. That over time people will come and go, and if they aren’t meant to stay…you can’t make them. And sometimes the people who are meant to stay have to leave for a little bit, but they’ll always come back.
  6. That you can never take too many selfies…with your friends and random strangers. Silly faces and captured moments will never be regretted.
  7. That sometimes fighting the girl at the bar is worth it…but most times it’s not.
  8. That while driving the backroads can’t make your problems disappear; they are the best place to laugh with your friends, cry when you need a moment alone, or lose yourself for a little while.il_340x270.426182087_ilw5
  9. That no matter what anyone tells you…tequila is NEVER a good idea.
  10. That people will judge you no matter what decisions you make in your life, so regret less and do more of what makes you happy because in the end…it’s your life and your consequences.
  11. That boys in boots and Chevy trucks are God’s gift to girls like me..BRAAAAPPPP11302_Black
  12. That Tinder is in fact not a good place to meet guys…#SwipeRight
  13. That one night stands aren’t the cure to fixing a broken heart, but if you find top shelf tequila…it’s always worth it.
  14. That living on your own is the greatest thing in the entire world. No one to tell you what to do, no one one yelling at you to clean your room, you get to pee with the door open…and you get to dance around in your underwear all you want
  15. That sometimes the boy is worth it…even when he breaks your heart..
  16. That your best friend will in fact get mad at you if you puke in her bed…and her car…[oops]
  17. That life does not always go as you plan it, and sometimes you’ve just gotta learn to go with the flow or you’ll drive yourself crazy…and sometimes the surprises life throws at you are way better than what you ever could have planned.
  18. That keeping your mouth shut is almost always your best option.
  19. That girls are crazy bitches.
  20. That some of the greatest and most necessary lessons can come from the people you least expect it from; like getting a backbone and that “it’s gonna be okay.”
  21. That no matter how rough life gets, it’s necessary to take a step back and realize how lucky I truly am. Things will never be perfect, and they won’t always be easy, but I’ve got more people in my corner than I’ll probably ever realize and for that I am beyond thankful.

While I am grateful for what 21 has taught me, I’m ready to see what 22 has to offer…so cheers to the past…and tonight I will be raising my glass to a new beginning and an adventurous year!

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Because I can.

Because people always ask me…

6cf63a69a019a5572553f7107dbd23e9Do you ever have those moments late at night where the world is quite but your mind is screaming? You have so many thoughts floating around in your head you almost feel like you’re drowning in them? When I was younger I would lay in bed unable to sleep, and these were some of the first moments where writing really ever became a form of sanity, and over the years writing has literally become a saving grace for me. Sometimes I have such a tornado of thoughts and I feel trapped inside my own head until I put pen to paper and get them all out. Writing makes me feel like I’m in control of my thoughts because I can sit and organize them and I can put my words and sentences in whatever order I feel is appropriate at the moment. I’ve been asked before, “Why do you write, and what’s the point if no one will see it?” The answer to that question has two parts:

Part One – Sometimes it’s not about having someone read it. A lot of the times I write to escape myself or keep my thoughts and memories close and in a physical format. When I feel like I’m trapped inside my own head writing is my release; it’s my way of working through a problem or sometimes I write things out so I can understand why I feel a certain way or how it is I’ve come to certain conclusions in my life. As silly as it sounds, my writing helps me understand myself, and sometimes after I go back and read something that I’ve written I discover an inner voice or opinion I never realized I had. Writing is a lot of things for me, and I don’t always want people to read whatever it is that I have to say because it’s not always for someone…sometimes it’s just for me. Occasionally there are moments when I have something to say to another person but the time isn’t right or they are no longer a part of my life, so I write them a letter to get out what I have to say. A lot of times the person the letter is written to will never actually see it, but the feelings I need to release are no longer stuck in my mind. Most of the writing I don’t want people to see happens when I’m angry, when I’m sad, when I’m confused, when I need an escape. Writing makes a person vulnerable, and as with all forms of vulnerability, we protect ourselves from the potential ridicule or criticism it carries with it.

Part Two – This is the whole reason I started this blog, for those moments that I want someone or a lot of people to see what I have to say. A lot of people who write write books, but I like blogging because it’s real time emotions. Whatever I’m feeling or thinking about at any given time can be written down and shown to whoever wants to read it. Writing allows me to put together letters into words and words into sentences in my own creative way so that maybe my voice will reach the heart of another person. As mentioned in part one of this, sometimes I write letters, and while most of the time the people don’t see these letters…other times they do. When I have so much in my head or my heart to express to a person, I write it out. It allows me to take all of those thoughts and perfectly place them into some coherent and understandable form of expression. I’m good with words, or so I’ve been told, but I find that I’m best at them when I have the chance to put them into a physical form. Writing is my greatest vulnerability and the fastest way to the truest parts of my heart, because most of the time I can say something to you on paper that I just can’t seem to form the words for out loud. I know someone really starts to matter to me when I find myself writing about them, but especially when I begin writing to them. Writing is one of my greatest expressions of love to a person, and it takes a lot for me to open up and let people read those words.

Some people play sports and on the field they forget about life and it’s all about the sport. Some people get lost in a garage working on a car. Some people write songs or play an instrument as their release. We all have our escape from reality, and writing is mine. It’s a liberating feeling to release yourself of the words in your head. My life is my story, and my story is mine to tell in whatever way I chose, so why do I write?

I write to feel. I write because I love. I write to have a voice. I write…because I can.

Sincerely yours…

To The Boy Who Broke My Spirit

In light of my last post, I’ve decided to start a series of posts over the next year of letters written to people of my past or my present that have played a part in shaping the person that I am today. We often forget that it’s not only our experiences that mold our journey through life, but also the strangers or the lovers or the friends that we meet along the way. Some people break your heart while others inspire change and some will make you cry while others will fill your years with endless laughter. Each person plays a part, sometimes good and sometimes bad, but to all these people I will write about…I thank you in one way or another for breaking me, making me, and shaping me…its-a-new-beginning-and-like-a-phoenix-i-am

To The Boy Who Broke My Spirit,

They say that hate is a strong word, but I won’t sit here and lie…I hated you for a really long time. There are some days that I still do. I was angry with you for hurting me the way that you did, for breaking my heart and destroying every possible part of me in the process. The ironic part is that I loved you once, and I would go as far as saying part of me still does and part of me probably always will. You were the first person I ever took a chance on you know. You were the first person I ever decided I would let in far enough to trust with my entire heart. I let you see all of me, including the parts I’d kept hidden for so long and the parts that weren’t pretty enough for the rest of the world to see. I told you my secrets and shared with you my biggest fears and my biggest hopes and dreams. I shared my past with you, you were my present, and I was going to give you my entire future. You were the smile on my face when I went to sleep, and the first thought of every morning. I was delicate, and you knew that. I was vulnerable and breakable and you knew you had to be careful with me…and you were…at first. You knew that while I craved a place to call home I also needed my freedom to spread my wings and fly. You gave me that…at first. You were a lot of things I needed you to be, and in return I became your strength and your foundation. I was your safe place and your happy moments. In each other we had found belonging, and we had found love. And while I’m not really sure where it all went wrong, I’ve stopped trying to pinpoint the exact moment because it no longer matters. My past and my fears and my imperfections became your ammo, often shooting through me like a bullet from your tongue. Where I needed freedom I felt trapped, and the home you once created for me turned into hell on earth. I became your puppet as you drained me of all the good things I once held inside for you. Your touch began to frighten me as you no longer were my place of safety, and my future started to darken as you slowly but surely erased my smile. I loved you, so I made excuses out of hope to hold on longer than I ever should have. I constantly blamed myself and shed more tears than I ever knew my body held. It’s not all your fault, so I won’t play innocent and say it is; I too played my part in our demise. The girl I was when I first met you has become the girl I will never be again. You destroyed my soul and broke my spirit; you took my self-esteem and my confidence, you stole the love I held in my heart, and you set it all to fire. In it’s place you left a pile of ashes and a ghostly girl vacant and void of everything she once was. You left her filled with fear to ever let someone in like that again. You created a fear so great that she’s not sure she’ll ever be able to love again. In fact, she gave you all her best parts and from this point on all she has to offer is whatever might be left. She gave up on her dreams, she gave up on herself, and she’s still paying the price years later for the irreversible damage that you caused. It took me a long time to realize how deeply rooted the heartbreak you caused really was, and it was not until recently that I’ve started to see the full extent. I find it easier to shut people out and push them away than ever let them in again, all thanks to you. The amount of power to break someone is often found in the amount of love they hold for you, so I figure if I never love again then I won’t ever be hurt like that again. If I never give someone the power that I gave you, then no person will ever again be able to break the pieces that I am slowly trying to piece back together. You wreaked a lot of havoc on my fragile soul, and while I never wanted to give you credit for any piece of good done in my life, there are things that I must thank you for. I thank you for showing me how it is that i should never be treated again. I thank you for allowing me to quickly recognize the signs of mental and emotional abuse so that I will never have to put myself through that again. I thank you for creating a strength in me to speak up and stand my ground so that I will never become someone’s puppet and lose control of my own life in the future. But mostly I thank you for showing me what love is not and what it should never be, and for showing me that I deserve more than your hands and your heart and your mind could ever deliver to me. You are not a bad person, you just weren’t the person for me. You deserve good in life, you just do not deserve me. And as for me…I forgive you, not because you deserve that from me, but because I owe that to myself. While you are a significant part of my past, I want you to know that although I am still fixing what you broke, you will never be a significant part of my future. I let you go because you forced me to, and to this day it is still the best decision I could have ever made. You were toxic and you were dangerous and while I lost sight of my own value, I see now that you didn’t see it either. I have created a new beginning with a brighter future and a healing heart. So to the boy who broke me…I bid you adieu..

Sincerely Yours…

Leavers and Senders of Love.

I think one of my favorite parts about my blog is going to be the ongoing opportunity I hold to share some of my favorite organizations and their missions with all of my readers. I recently wrote a post about the teaming up of Tyler Knott Gregson and To Write Love On Her Arms. I was so excited to find out that both Tyler Knott and TWLOHA took the time to read and respond to my post. There is nothing greater than not only reaching my readers but also the people I am writing about. Awhile back I discovered another organization that I instantly fell in love with that I’m excited to share.

I am a writer, and just like with this blog it’s often easier to type out what I have to say. It’s less mll-lettertime consuming, and it’s a way to easily reach hundreds or millions of people in a matter of seconds. In a world of technology it’s easy to forget the simple act of sitting down and writing a letter to someone by putting pen to paper. But, one of my favorite things is a handwritten letter, a handwritten anything, in fact. I love nothing more than the personal touch and the love I feel from a letter that comes from the hand of someone who loves me. Handwritten love letters are a thing of the past, but More Love Letters was created to make it a thing of the present and a thing of the future. This organization was started by a girl named Hannah Brencher with a mission to create a global movement of love through people who desire to leave this world better than they found it. There are several different ways to get involved with More Love Letters, all of which can be found on their website. They provide you with a “starter kit” to educate you on the “art of love lettering” After reading the starter kit there are two main ways to get started; you can be a leaver of letters or a sender of letters. There is nothing better than leaving a handwritten love letter inside a book at the library or a bookstore or in a coffee shop or somewhere on campus for someone to discover. You never know who might find your letter, and you could be the person giving a complete stranger the words of strength and encouragement that they need to hear. By writing ‘moreloveletters.com’ on your letter you also allow the finder to turn in their letter and you can check back regularly to see if someone has found your letter. If you choose to be a sender of letters rather than a leaver there are always requests to be found on the website or through their newsletter for people who are in need of some old fashioned, handwritten love. These letters get sent in bundles to a specific person who has requested a little extra strength and encouragement for a special person in their life. If you find yourself knowing a person who is the one in need of these letters of love and hope you can also send in a nomination to be hosted on their website under the requests section. If your request is chosen it will be posted for people all over the world to see and fulfill your request.

Now that I’ve shared this awesome organization mll13logowith you, my challenge to both you and myself is to take the time at least once a month if not more often to be a sender or a leaver of a handwritten love letter. It’s easy to take 30 seconds out of your day to shoot someone you know a text message, but you’d be surprised how much you can make a strangers day with a few handwritten words left for them to find. The world is in pure need of more love, more hope, more encouragement, more strength, and a simple, old-fashioned letter can be the out-flowing source of all of these things.

Be creative. Share your love. Tell your story. Just. Start. Writing. 

Sincerely Yours…

You Will Live To Fight Another Day

I wrote this exactly two years ago, and I was in a pretty dark place at the time. While I hope for most of my blog posts to be fairly positive, life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. Some days are bright with hope while others are covered with the darkness of despair; but always remember that even through the darkest of nights…you will live to fight another day.

“I hit the ground running, and now life’s running through me like a freight train. It’s hit me like a bullet, the pieces now exploding. One by one they land around me as I quickly fall apart. The knife plunges deeper and I can’t escape the pain. The tears are ever flowing as the world spins without me, I’m an onlooker to my own life. The colors blur together and they slowly start to fade to black as I get lost inside the dark. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know where I’m going. My eyes are closed tightly as I try to push it all away. Trapped by my past demons and chained by current issues. The beating of my heart slows until it stops. Like a tornado it’s ripped through me, the damage too much to bare. The weight of the world is crushing me as my lungs forget to breathe. Twisting, turning, spinning, falling, rock bottom’s what I hit. Looking up, there’s no way out, the walls are growing higher. Too weak to climb, too tired to fight, my strength is fading fast. A thread of hope twists around my throat, and suddenly I can’t breathe. Closing in around me, my bones are crushed to powder. I close my eyes to clear my head and watch it fade away. I take a breathe and realize…I’ll live to fight another day”

 
© Kelsey Poelker Sincerely Yours 2014
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